my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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