And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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