There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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