There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
