On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
