So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
