The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
