I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
