I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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