its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
