I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
