also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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