I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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