Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
