kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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