we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
the night ended with taco bell and tears
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
