I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
