Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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