If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
