I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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