hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize