Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
