Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
