I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
