sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
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My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity