At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't deserve a penis
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
