As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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