You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
