I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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