Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
