I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
