I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
