I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
