The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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