dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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