it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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