Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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