i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
After tacos, we're chasing women.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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