I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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