That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.