I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
