Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
