The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
