I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
