Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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