its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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