I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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