Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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