The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
