she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
