just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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