Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
