dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
