Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
